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Scam
While the chairman laments the investment world’s obsession with acronyms, his pet hamster, Adair is working off its own demons, which have materialised in the shape of an inflatable rat.
Scam
The chairman is incredulous to learn of the existence of products that claim to bring morality and purpose to the financial profession – but is reassured by the financial views of six-year-olds.
Scam
The chairman enjoys wistful memories of his younger self as he learns about the activities of precocious twins who devised an ingenious scheme for making US investors part with $1.2m.
Scam
As absolute return funds draw flak for poor performance, the chairman reveals a surprisingly deep knowledge of the products and confesses that he was in favour of them from the start.
Scam
The chairman learns the Mafia-as-business-primer approach to leadership and takes home the dirty dozen lessons, from ’It’s not personal’ to ’Someday, I’ll call upon you to do a service for me’.
Scam
A boy may have dazzled the world with his economic insight, but one of Scam’s furry workers could do just as well, the chairman reckons. All it needs is a bit of a hand with the typing.
Scam
The chairman learns that while small pots can be a barrier to member engagement and a drain on the system, they don’t require embarrassing medical consultations. Usually…
Scam
Far from indulging in a post-mortem on the Budget, which he reckons will not affect him in the least, the chairman is mainly worried about where the next glass of champagne is coming from.
Scam
The chairman’s surveillance cameras have eavesdropped on a revealing conversation between a pair of regulators. Is the day approaching when consultants will charge advisers for advice?
Scam
The chairman huffs at moves to make the industry responsible for consumers’ grasp of financial services – an inevitable consequence when adults dress like children and lack basic maths skills.
Scam
The chairman warbles his way through his own version of Y.M.C.A., with lyrics dedicated to the chance of making some ’free’ money from the ECB’s long-term refinancing operation.
Scam
The chairman is surprised that a feature of Scam’s online advertising can be irritating, but is unfazed by a report that even fund managers fail to capitalise on their specialist knowledge.
Scam
As a basic maxim of investment appears to be exposed as a myth, it dawns on the chairman that the key to success as an investor is a matter of looking not forwards, but backwards
Scam
It is the chairman’s turn to listen as he learns about the imminent regime of judgment-based regulation, which appears to resemble the confusing world of a well-known TV crime drama.
Scam
If the chairman had been honoured for services to fund management, might he now be at risk of “defrocking”? A hint to this effect sends him off on a rant about fear in the financial industry.
Scam
Despite a joke at the expense of his firm, the chairman is all ears about a report that the head of a new body protecting consumers wants to save people from being misled over investments.
Scam
A fund group’s proposal that boards should seek shareholders’ approval for directors’ pay alarms the chairman - until it is pointed out that he is by far Scam’s biggest shareholder.
Scam
In the chairman’s eyes the IMA’s creation of a global equity income sector has moved the funds industry one step closer to a dream scenario in which each Scam portfolio reigns supreme …
Scam
Apparently determined to take the bleakest possible view of the year ahead, the chairman is encouraged to see the coming Armageddon as just a slightly more unusual New Year’s Eve.
Scam
It appears that even the most steely chairman of a fund group can become a little moist-eyed over repeated Dickensian presentiments of the grim and financially frosty Christmas to come.
